Monday, October 24, 2011

Curse my big mouth

Some guy lies to your face. You stare in disbelief, frozen, unable to speak.

A lady cuts you off with her shopping cart and snaps at your "out-of-control" kids. You're shocked, at a complete loss for words.

Moments later, you're fuming, knowing exactly what you should've said to stick it to 'em. You kick yourself and wish you could go back. But, do you actually know what would happen if you'd stood up for yourself in that moment? Did you consider the consequences?

Well, ladies. Leave it to me. I've got a mouth big enough for the entire state of Utah. In those moments of injustice, I put those meanies in their place, like it's my personal mission to stand up for every innocent victim they've ever stunned.

Are you jealous? Do you wish that, instead of freezing, you'd punch 'em with that saturated one-liner and walk away the victor? I'm not gonna lie. It feels amazing. I love the satisfaction of justice and the surge of adrenaline pumping through my veins.

But, in that moment, as I'm about to defend the civilized nation, a strange thing that occurs. Clocks stop ticking. Air becomes stagnant. Life freezes as I'm boldly going where no one has gone before. The universe shifts as I prepare to say things that are not meant to be said. And then, all hell breaks loose as one of two things occurs:

  1. Jerk-face recoils and defends with more self-incriminating statements, at which point I am paralyzed because I didn't plan for that. I turn around and walk quickly, very quickly, away with my tail between my legs saying, "I should've just kept my mouth shut!" Irony.
  2. Monstro recoils and defends with more self-incriminating statements, at which point I continue my brave and honorable attack for the defense and liberty of all people everywhere who wish they had a mouth as bold as mine!

My devious curiosity gets the better of me and I do #2. It's so fun and I just can't help myself. I'm also dying to hear what other awesome things Genius comes up with.

So, let's assume Smarty-pants follows my lead and continues to defend herself. I eventually corner her (ten points). But, she's so slippery and evasive that she throws a final sting and exits with her head held high. And there I'm left, staring in disbelief again, knowing I made no difference in that hard-head's opinions.

Clocks resume ticking. The breeze picks up. I turn to see a small crowd gawking at the remains of my heated debate. Embarrassed, I retreat and kick myself for opening my big mouth once again.

So, ladies, in those moments of shock, stand tall as your brains wipe out all glimpses of the English language. That's what is supposed to happen. It's a survival instinct that saves face, dignity and self respect. And that night in bed, you can imagine saying what you wish you'd said without the inevitable real-life response from Ignoramus.


  1. love you! dang I wish I has your guts! you are so inspiring! :D miss you mucho!

  2. People really shouldn't be so rude and then we wouldn't have this dilemma at all! And thanks for your comment on my post, I hadn't even thought about missing the cuddles!

  3. I'm with you, I can't keep my mouth shut. I am the queen of snarky comments when I should just keep it to myself.

    Thanks for visiting my blog, I'm following back :)