Monday, January 16, 2012

I was judged by my mess

This morning, I woke up with a spark. As I washed the dishes, my mind raced, feeding the beast, growing it until I thought I would burst.

Recently, I was excluded from something. The part that hurt the most was that I was blind-sided. No one said a word to me. I was just cut out. I whole-heartedly believe it was because of my blog, because maybe I appear to have too much on my plate, like maybe more time at home would help me get my affairs in order. I don't know, really. I was going to ask. But, then I realized it would be in vain. #1. I didn't want anyone to think I was whining. #2. Do you really think anyone would honestly tell me the truth? No way.

So, to spare myself some respect, I sucked it up and said, I won't let it get me down.

I knew divulging so much about myself on this blog was risky. I knew there would be some consequences. I figured there'd be a few hoity-toity people that would think less of me.

I just didn't think it would be these people. I'm bummed that they didn't get what I'm trying to do here.

So, what am I doing here?

There is a mom culture in our society with silently-defined expectations. This culture measures our self-worth by the tidiness of our playrooms, shine on our kids' cheeks, promptness of our families to events, the capacity of our memories.

It's wrong. It's women being hard on themselves and hard on each other. It needs to stop.

The worth of a mom should be measured by her love for her kids. It's invisible to the eye and is manifested differently in every family. For some women, it means they have to work to earn enough money for their kids to live in a safe neighborhood. For others, it means they get up extra early in the morning to braid their daughter's hair.

I just want moms to compare themselves to themselves, not the chick down the street. You know your best. You know what you're capable of. You know how much you love your kids. And you, only you know what that looks like.

So, to anyone who may doubt my abilities or may think I have too much on my plate, I'm sorry, but you're wrong. Please don't judge me by my mess and my Zoloft prescription. I used them to prove that, by my own definition, I do have it all together and this is what that looks like for me.

Please, I beg you, don't fall victim to the naïve, ignorant standards of mom culture.


  1. This makes me angry, frankly.

    I don't read your blog and think you're overwhelmed or not capable. I read your blog with the humor and reality of what life is like with kids. Doesn't mean you're "less than" or anything of the sort.

    Funny enough, more and more mom's have been bloggin about this same thing.

    And after THAT post, she too started a blog link.

    We are not alone, Becky!!


  2. Oh paalease I !! Whoever (I'm guessing women, because men generally wouldn't care enough) did this to sweet Becky needs to be hunted down and kicked in the knee cap, or breast punched, whichever comes first :). I mean seriously, any mom can relate to your blog to some degree. U rock Becky, keep yo chin up girl! And keep on blogging! It's so refreshing!

  3. Becky my love, you are awesome. I to am sharing way too much on my blog, difference is I am to chicken to tell anyone about it. I too have been hurt in the past by people "helping me" by leaving me out. If only they knew how bad that really hurt. In the words of Po on Kung Fu Panda "I go blind from your pure awesomeness!" Keep up the great work you are doing!

  4. Couldn't have said it better myself!! Maybe they're just too afraid to declare what you have...I think nothing less of you for having what you call a messy house. It actually makes me feel better about my own home, which to me, is also a mess :)
    Keep smiling!!

  5. Becs, I can't believe you'd be snubbed for this. I think it has endeared you to me all the more. I wish it was above 18 degrees, because I'd pack up my babies and bring them over to give you snuggles and hugs! Your blog has saved my sanity and helped me to be able to cope with going from 2 to 4 kids over night and all the exhaustion that comes with it. Just the other day-I found the strength to really clean the living area. Pick it all up, vacuum, dust, and not even an hour later-file folders were scattered, trains and legos scattered from corner to corner, but because of YOUR words lately, I was able to just roll my eyes and laugh, because I've redefined "Clean." Before, this situation may have brought me to tears and anger thinking about how much time it took to clear it all away only for my kids to take 20 seconds to reverse it. But they didn't reverse it completely. They just live here. It's my job to get rid of the dirt...and theirs apparently to continually add the "stuff."

  6. Oh my! I LOVE your blog and totally get what you are doing. I laughed my head off the first time I found this blog. Don't listen to THEM! Listen to US, your readers, we like you and your mess!

  7. I LOVE your blog and I think Dr.Suess said it best “Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind.” There is not a single one of us who is perfect, and honestly I pity those moms who forget that, who have some imaginary image in their mind that they will never be able to live up to. My kids will always have the benefit of a mom who is happy to leave some laundry unwashed or dirty dishes in the sink so we can play dress up or read a book. Amazing how much fun we have when I'm not putting all that time and energy into trying to achieve the impossible :) And I've never met a kid who thought their mom was awesome because the utensil drawer is perfectly organized or because everyone's closet is spotless!
    Just know that you ARE awesome, if for no other reason than for making this momma feel like the Martha Stewart Mafia isn't going to come nab me for letting those dirty dishes sit in the sink a little bit longer :)