I Do Stand-Up Comedy!

2016 is my year. It's my year to do whuteverthehell I want. Whuteverthehell! So, I chose stand-up comedy. Whuuuuut???

That's me!

Why I'm Quitting Stay-At-Home-Mom

Standing near the produce at the Food Lion grocery store when I was eight, my mom promised me, "If you go to college, I'll pay for every cent." Deal.

And now, I'm standing in front of my life choices, watching them play out in slow motion. What the hell have I done?

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I Quit Homeschooling

"My oldest is really advanced." The elementary principle rolled his eyes at me. "Every parent thinks that," he said. "I know, but, just test her," I replied.

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Mom, where's your fun self?

The fun, daring part of me was lost and buried when my new identity became "Mom."

As a young, naïve mom, I expected myself to find complete satisfaction in life by cooking, cleaning and tending to my sweet babies 24/7, all between the walls of my little home. Like so many other moms, I thought it was selfish to do things by myself and for myself. Have you ever felt this way?

After 4 years of full-time, serious motherhood, I wasn't vibrant or vivacious anymore. I wasn't excited or interesting.

Painting ceramics without kids at Color Me Mine with my sis-in-law.

I mean, I used to be fun! What happened to that girl?!

Buried alive

Today, the walls around me are caving in. I want to cry. My chest is tight.

I try so hard to be kind, thoughtful, forgiving, compassionate and mostly, nonjudgmental. I really am a good person with a very open heart.

It crushes me, though, when someone sees my messy, chaotic home. It feels like my home is seen as a direct reflection of my character; that when it's filthy, it must mean I'm a slob; that when it's in shambles, it means I'm not caring for my kids.

Quit while you're ahead...or behind

Why, why, why does my house look and smell like the county dump every single Monday morning? I'll tell ya why—I don't have time to clean on the weekend.

So, imagine how good I felt about myself as I started cleaning the kitchen this morning! While I'm at it, the boy makes a stinky in his diaper. I get that cleaned up. Back to the dishes. He screams at me for food, "Maaaaaahhhh!" I quiet him with a squeezable applesauce and a sippee cup of milk. Back to the dishes. He climbs in the dishwasher and flings knives, cups and bowls onto the floor. I put up the baby gate. Back to the dishes. He douses the carpet with milk. Bahhh! I clean it up and get back to the dishes. He grabs the bag of veggie chips off the table and dumps them all over the floor. The girl helps pick them up. Back to the dishes. After getting all of that under control, I'm feeling confident and happy. I walk in the living room...

Oh brother. The kitchen's not done, but whatever. I'm done.

Faking postpartum anxiety

Postpartum Anxiety.

PPA.

That's what I like to call my issue. However, deep down, I know that having babies only amplifies what I've had going on my entire life. I've always had anxiety. As much as I'd like to pretend and tell people it's only a postpartum issue (blame it on pregnancy and suddenly you're not crazy), it's really not.

Put down your toilet wands: Mom Exhibit

I've had a breakthrough.

Follow me. The other day, my girl, Kim, gave a great tip. Set a timer for 10-15 minutes, clean with the kids as fast as you can and then be done for the day. And then, in a moment of silence and pondering, the heavens opened and a ray of light shone down upon my face, illuminating the grease in my hair from several days of not showering.

Clean House In 1 Hour: Mom Exhibit

"Clean your ENTIRE house in 1 hour" was the claim of an article on Yahoo last week. My eyes lit up as I clicked on the link, hoping for a breakthrough. The article states that if you spend 9-15 minutes in each room, working your way down and out, you'll be done in 1 measly hour.

I'm going to re-name this article, "Clean Your Childless Loft In Less Than One Hour."

And just to prove my point, I tried it. Here's how it went down.

I started in the catch-all of the house, my bedroom. I hope this makes you feel reeeeeally good about yourself. Otherwise, I've published these humiliating photos in vain.

Don't go upstairs! Mom Exhibit

I love having friends in my home, especially if I know you're coming. I'll usually tidy the living room a bit and make sure there's nothing gross in the visible areas, like a stinky diaper.

However, there are no words to describe the nauseated feeling I get when you have to run upstairs "real quick" to grab your child. This little commercial clip portrays it perfectly:

Messy house on display!

Are you ready for this?! Imagine getting a candid, un-edited look into the home of an everyday mom. Yes, I appear to have it all together. But, I want to show you what's really going on behind the scenes. Why on earth would I do this? More on that tomorrow.

The "Mom Exhibit" will be open December 1-31, 2011. Feature one of my buttons on your site and I'll do the same for you. Email your button info to cinderelladuty@gmail.com.

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Mom Exhibit now open

Here's some perspective for ya.

A few days ago, we spent the afternoon at Salt Lake City's Discovery Gateway Museum. Besides the awesome exhibits, I noticed something: employees everywhere. They were young, probably college students, and they were running around frantically returning toys to their homes.

I was so amused by this, first because it seemed like a wasted effort. I mean, within moments, the coop of plush chickens was demolished again by a posse of three-year-olds. And then I realized something.

"Guilt is a useless emotion"

"Guilt is a useless emotion," says my therapist.

Cricket. Cricket. "Whaaaaat did you just say?"
"Guilt. It's a useless emotion." And then she explains: