Instead, I watched stand-up comedy on YouTube and Netflix. My secret obsession was Ellen. Sure, she was a lesbian and I knew that wasn't cool in the Mormon world, but she was just so relatable and clean. Jim Gaffigan was hilarious. Brian Regan was OK.
My favorite was Jerry Seinfeld's "I'm Telling You for the Last Time." My buddies in college had the DVD. We'd watch it over and over and over in our off-the-grid hangout that we affectionately called, Spare House. Because Mormon college. Because clean. Man—I wanted to be a comic so bad. But, I was a woman and needed to be a meek, humble mother. Ugh. Whuteverrrr (sorry, I already set the precedent).
The problem is, I'm so wound up right now. Having just left the Mormon church, I'm struggling with loss of community, identity and friendship. My step-dad, the only one I confided everything to, passed away in March. My marriage is a legal union of two people trying desperately not to terrify and scar their three innocent children.
That makes comedy really hard. And really lonely. And perfect timing.